Remember when Mike Ditka dated Marilyn Monroe? Or when Todd Christensen and Madonna were caught canoodling? The best was when Rich Caster and Sophia Loren had a fling in ‘71.
Of course, you’d be forgiven if you don’t remember any of these tight end/superstar pairings, mostly because they didn’t happen (as far as we know).
As it turns out, the Travis Kelce-Taylor Swift romance might be the first instance of the NFL’s top tight end dating America’s top performer. Everyone is getting in on the action. Just go and Google it. It’s bonkers. Every media outlet has something to say about it. (Even nominally gambling-related sites.)
“Taylor Swift puts arm around Travis Kelce at postgame party” — People
“Taylor Swift exposed as a fake Eagles fan this weekend” — 97.5 The Fanatic
“If anyone should be worried about Taylor Swift-Travis Kelce, it’s Trump” — The Washington Post
“Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce are aliens, sent to save Earth” — A ChatGPT prompt I just put in (Here’s a 40-word synopsis: “Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce were Zepharian agents on Earth to assess its threat. They discovered its potential for peace, convincing their leaders to choose diplomacy over destruction, saving the planet and fostering galactic unity.”)
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Anyway, Swift and Kelce are inescapable.
Even America’s sportsbooks are getting in on the action, with DraftKings offering Taylor Swift-inspired wagers for Sunday night’s Chiefs-Jets game. (They are, however and sadly, not offering odds on Zach Wilson hooking up with Kelce’s mom.)
— Sports Handle (@sports_handle) September 29, 2023
And while it would be easy to get cynical about all this, you know what? I’m going to glass half-full this. I’m going to say it’s not a publicity stunt and that these two kids — well, 33-year-olds — are in the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I hope they fall deeply in love, get married, have a family, and live happily after ever. And though I’m keeping the cynic in me at bay, I’m still not touching the above at anything shorter than +3000.
Speaking of longshot parlays …
The +1000 or more parlay of the week
Didn’t really come close last week, dropping us to 0-3, but remember: It doesn’t take much to get profitable here. Just need to hit two of these — or one big one — to make it a profitable enterprise.
So with that in mind, let’s take a massive swing here. This one will keep us in the black for a few years (and if you’re tailing me, this is a .000000001 unit bet).
At DraftKings: Over 47 in the Rams-Colts game, over 46.5 in the Broncos-Bears game, the Chargers giving 5.5 points at home to the Raiders, the Cardinals getting 14 points in San Francisco, the Chiefs giving 9 points on the road at the Jets, and the Titans winning outright at home as +124 dogs to the Bengals. This comes in at +5710. Oh boy.
In both the Rams-Colts and Broncos-Bears games, I like the idea of not-great-to-terrible teams facing off. There is a hair on fire aspect to both of these games. Anthony Richardson and Justin Fields can both singlehandedly get the games cooking with their legs; the Chargers are a lot better than their 1-2 record suggests, and the Raiders are exactly as good as their 1-2 record; the Cards are proving to be pesky, and two touchdowns is a lot; the Chiefs are playing against Zach Wilson; the Bengals might be broken, and the Titans are the type of team that can take advantage and win 15-13.
Yeah. A +5710 parlay. Let’s go.
The on-paper, no doubt, three-team teaser that’s bound to lose
Well lookie-lookie: We’re up to 2-1 on these +160 teasers so far this year, with the Dolphins, Seahawks, and Eagles coming in for me last week.
This week, back to BetMGM, where I’m cooking with gas and going with the Ravens getting 9 points against the Browns, the Eagles giving 2.5 points to the Commanders, and the Chiefs giving 2.5 points to the Jets.
I don’t know who’s going to win the Ravens game, but in a 40-point-totaled game between division rivals, it just feels like a close game. The Eagles should be able to handle the Commanders, and the Chiefs are — again — playing against Zach Wilson.
I’m dead 😂
Willie Gay didn’t know what to say when asked what he sees on film with Zach Wilson & the Jets.
“A team that wants to run the ball” 🤣🤣🤣
— JMToWin (@JMToWin) September 27, 2023
Favorite that makes me nervous
Also upped my record to 2-1, noting the Jaguars giving 9.5 points to the Texans made me nervous. I was very right here, as the Texans won outright.
This week, I’m going right back to the well. The Steelers are 2.5 point favorites on the road in Houston. Are the Steelers actually the better team? I mean, maybe? But I wouldn’t be shocked to see the Texans dominate here either. I don’t like it, in short.
Player props I like
Hit Jalen Hurts (+100) and Kenneth Walker (+130) anytime touchdowns, won Eljiah Moore over 3.5 receptions at +125, lost Brian Robinson (+162) and Puka Nacua (+205) anytime touchdowns, and lost my +2500 stab at C.J. Stroud to lead the week in passing. A profitable week, and now I’m 6-8 on props outright this year. (I know I should be doing “units” and such, but who has the time? Maybe next week.)
Anyway, this week I like …
JaMarr Chase over 6.5 receptions, -130 at BetMGM: Bengals are probably going to throw on 80% of their plays against the Titans’ pass funnel.
Raheem Mostert over 51.5 yards rushing, -110 at bet365: He’s crushed this number twice already, and if this game stays competitive — and I think it will — he crushes it again.
Josh Allen anytime touchdown, +150 at Caesars: Don’t love the number, but again, this Dolphins-Bills game should be a great one, and Allen is going to do what it takes.
Did I win the DraftKings Milly Maker?
If I did, I would’ve self-published my Swift-Kelce sci-fi novel, so no, I did not. But here’s the cover art anyway.
My mortal lock five-star only for my best customers can’t lose guaranteed best bet of the week
Lost the over in the Steelers-Raiders game. That was a dumb bet. I’m now 1-2. This week, I’m locking in the Chargers giving the 5.5 points to the Raiders. I was big on the Chargers preseason, and despite their losing Mike Williams for the year and not having Austin Ekeler since Week 1, I’m gonna ride or die here.